{"id":462,"date":"2007-01-15T21:04:08","date_gmt":"2007-01-16T05:04:08","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.uncle-andrew.net\/blog\/?p=462"},"modified":"2008-06-22T09:14:34","modified_gmt":"2008-06-22T16:14:34","slug":"first-law-of-advertising","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.uncle-andrew.net\/blog\/?p=462","title":{"rendered":"First Law Of Advertising:"},"content":{"rendered":"\n\n
\"erin-header.jpg\"<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<\/table>\n

When you come across a good thing, always<\/em> drive it straight into the ground.<\/p>\n

Okay, so everyone in the known universe\u2014including a whole bunch of Internet pervos<\/a>\u2014is aware that I’ve confessed to having a bit of a thing (insert your own bitingly witty comment here [and then insert another one about my use of the term “insert” here<\/em>]) for Erin Esurance<\/a>, virtual Booth Babe<\/a> for Esurance.com.<\/p>\n

Well, that’s all over now; these days, I can’t even look her in the (ahem) eye.<\/p>\n

Obviously, Esurance is highly aware of the effect their slinky spokescartoon has had on the testosterone-poisoned segment of the viewing populace. They’ve even gone so far as to post all of the Erin-related Esurance TV commercials, desktop wallpaper and even canyoubelieveit fan art<\/em> on “her” Web site. You can bet they’ve been burning the midnight oil trying to figure out how to further exploit this resource.<\/p>\n

Their tactic du jour? Pedo-phize her.<\/p>\n

\"esurance-tv-ad-1.jpg\"<\/div>\n

What can we do to keep people obsessed with our corporate mascot? Ooo oo, let’s raise the pitch of her voice half an octave! Give her the thighs of a seven year old, widening her already cavernous straddle even further!<\/p>\n

\"esurance-tv-ad-2.jpg\"<\/p>\n

Flatten out her skull a little, eliminating her high, intelligent forehead! Widen the space between her eyes to give her that underdeveloped, fresh-from-the-birth-canal look!<\/p>\n

Erin is no longer the lithe, urbane insurance operative that first caught my eye. Instead, the demands of the marketplace have transformed her into a gawky, adolescent bubblehead wearing too much makeup. Throw in a backpack, and she’d look fully at home in the halls of just about any junior high school in the country.<\/p>\n

Those demented krods at Esurance just had to take it a step too far. I can no longer enjoy even the slight demented thrill I used to get from these commercials. Now it leaves me feeling slimy and self-conscious, as though I’ve caught myself inadvertantly sneaking a look at a friend’s kid sister.<\/p>\n

Britney Spears<\/a> may grow into adulthood (well, physically, anyway) gaining pounds and wrinkles along with rug monkeys; Lindsey Lohan<\/a> might tip over the edge of teenage-girl slimness into full-blown eating-disorder bag-of-antlerism<\/a>; Hillary Duff<\/a> may well\u2014um\u2014heck, what is<\/em> Hillary Duff up to these days anyway?<\/p>\n

But Erin can forever remain young, younger, entirely-too<\/em>-young, pandering to baser and baser human impulses, so long as she serves her corporate masters’ evil purposes.<\/p>\n

Oh, Erin, Erin, what have they done<\/em> to you?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

When you come across a good thing, always drive it straight into the ground. Okay, so everyone in the known universe\u2014including a whole bunch of Internet pervos\u2014is aware that I’ve confessed to having a bit of a thing (insert your own bitingly witty comment here [and then insert another one about my use of the […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[7],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-462","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-rants"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.uncle-andrew.net\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/462","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.uncle-andrew.net\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.uncle-andrew.net\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.uncle-andrew.net\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.uncle-andrew.net\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=462"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/www.uncle-andrew.net\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/462\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.uncle-andrew.net\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=462"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.uncle-andrew.net\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=462"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.uncle-andrew.net\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=462"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}