….by which I am referring, of course, to the fact that Chevron has finally decided to slip a ball gag over their screechy, hysterical petroleum pumps.

If you’re not a patron of Chevron gas stations you will likely not be aware of what I’m talking about, so here’s the skinny: somewhere around two years ago, the Chevron Corporation reprogrammed the software in all of its filling stations’ pumps via their satellite links. This is nothing unusual, happens all the time. Only this time, the Mother Ship decided to add a truly aggravating personality quirk to these otherwise generally inoffensive machines: an audio prompt.

Every time the message changed on the LCD display on the pump—”Select Fuel Grade”, “Print Receipt (Y/N)”, etc.—the pump would emit a squeal. A really irritating squeal. A tooth-rotting, soul-searing, carbide-circular-saw-blade-against-a-slab-of-roofing-slate squeal.

And it would make this horrible noise at every single prompt.

“Remove Card Quickly” *SQUUUEEEEEEEEEEEP* ; “Select Fuel Type” *SQUUUEEEEEEEEEEEP* ; “Remove Nozzle: Begin Fueling” *SQUUUEEEEEEEEEEEP* ; “Replace Nozzle After Fuaeling” *SQUUUEEEEEEEEEEEP* ; “Print Receipt (Y/N)?” *SQUUUEEEEEEEEEEEP*

And then, as a final punishment for the inexplicable error of my continued patronage, “Thank You For Choosing Chevron”….*SQUUUEEEEEEEEEEEP*.

It’s as though the Chevron Corporation wanted to recreate the customer experience of dealing with the average contemporary retail counter-monkey, but the technology wasn’t yet up to the task of making an automated fuel pumping station quite that unpleasant. Having the thing shriek at you at regular intervals throughout the transaction was the closest they could get. More likely, of course, is the idea that this was some sort of efficiency measure on Chevron’s part. I assume that some piece of demographic data they managed to harvest suggested that they could shave pennies off of their affiliates’ monthly overhead by finding some way to push people through the process of gassing up with a bit more punctuality. I know that I myself have whiled away many an hour down at the ol’ gas hole, chatting with my pump-island neighbors, breathing deep to take in the heady aroma of expired dinosaur, and washing my rear windshield six or seven times just to hear the mellifluous sound of squeegee on wet glass. Good times, good times.

Of course, me being me, I sent Chevron an email about this new wrinkle some time ago. They responded in fairly short order, which I found quite gratifying. Less gratifying was the fact that they totally misinterpreted the intent of my communique. The person who answered the letter assumed that I was complaining about a faulty pump at my local Chevron station that was making an unintentional racket, rather than a policy on the part of the company as a whole to make all of their pumps keen like a pig in a wood chipper. Perhaps the pumps in this particular employee’s locale had not yet been subjected to this software “upgrade”. Perhaps Chevron employees over a certain rank don’t go to filling stations but instead replenish their vehicles from the massive solid-gold petroleum fountain in the lobby. Whatever her reason may have been, she sent me back a note letting me know that Chevron would contact the management of my local station right away and get to the bottom of this. I briefly considered responding to the note letting her know of her mistaken inference, but decided I would just be getting myself in deeper for little chance of a better return.

The next time I wen to fill up my tank, I could swear that the guy manning the counter was glaring at me.

Apparently, though, enough people have weighed in on the subject of being screamed at by industrial appliances to convince Chevron that they should rethink their strategy. Now the pumps only start to whine if you don’t follow a particular command within a predetermined length of time. This is certainly a step up from having one’s eardrums ruptured at every prompt, but it still leaves a lot to be desired. If Chevron really wants to get its customers in and out in a hurry, why not reward us for punctuality rather than punishing our tardiness? How about, every time we manage to accomplish a task ahead of the maximum time allotted for same, a little door opens in the pump’s control face and we receive a yummy pellet?

That’s good behavioral modification. The kind that makes for repeat customers.