I’m Busy, But Not Too Busy For This

Uncle AndrewUncle Andrew
Filed under: @ 4:01 pm

No matter how hurried I may be, regardless of the challenges I may face, I will always, always have time to let folks know when someone Montreal finds their way to my blog from a Google search for

Indian fakir eats cow crap

One must, after all, have a sense of one’s priorities.


An Enigma Wrapped In A Cattle Disease Wrapped In A Frog

Uncle AndrewUncle Andrew
Filed under: @ 10:48 pm

It’s not terribly often that I come across something in my referrer log that I simply cannot parse, in any way, shape or form. Not even in an utterly contrived, solely-for-the-sake-of-a-lame-joke sort of way. This is one of those times.

Around five Saturday evening, someone in the Weymouth, Massachusetts area came across my blog on the heels of a Google search for….

brucellosis “crunchy frog”

Judging from the number of hits they got back, I rather don’t think their quest was successful.

Dear Sir or Madam: should your sojourns online by chance find you back here in the unfashionable corner of the Web, and should you just happen to stumble across this particular post, it would go ever so long a way toward allowing me a complete and restful night’s sleep if you were to answer a simple question: what in God’s name were you hoping to find?


Oh, Ag…

Uncle AndrewUncle Andrew
Filed under: @ 12:38 pm

‘Sbeen a while since anything came across my referrer log that was sufficiently novel, funny or icky to warrant posting. I’d say this one qualifies.

Of course by this time I am used to seeing the mouse droppings of Netizens who have reached my site while perusing the Web for various and/or nefarious forms of pr0n, from the amusing (“Erin Esurance nude”) to the disgusting (“enema cam”) to the downright criminal (“uncle fuck niece”). I’ve learned to pretty much shrug it off. If I were much, much more skilled in the way of computer forensics I might try to set some sort of honeypot trap for the folks in that last category, but I’m not. (Frankly, I’m not sure what I’d do with them after I caught them, though “tag and bag” comes to mind.) So I try to more or less ignore it.

The one that came in yesterday was, while by no means criminal, so icky and yet so hilarous that I scarcely have the lexicon with which to describe it. A whole new word needs to be cobbled together for this. Funny yet icky and really kinky….Finucky? Funincky? Fuckedinsky?

I’ll bet dollars to donuts the Germans already have some term for it, just because their language lends so well to single words comprised of three or four or twelve other complete concepts.

This was a Google Image search for….

bioshock porn”.

Okay, of all the varied permutations of anime/manga/videogame-themed smut there may be out there, of all the vasty depths of the genre that one may ply looking for your kicks….why for the love of God BIOSHOCK?

Whatever else they may be—cleverly crafted, somewhat cartoonish, disturbing and creepy—the denizens of the underwater habitat of Rapture around whom the game revolves are not sexy.

Spider Splicer

Would you want to spend an evening in flagrante delicto with this gentleman?

Or how about this comely lass? Care to make the beast with two backs with her?

These creatures were actually loosely modeled around photographs of early experiments in reconstructive surgery; as in, the ones the surgeons were performing before they started getting it right. Mmm mmm, gotta get me summathat!

Of course, there’s a special place for everyone on the great big beautiful Pervert Rainbow, and people who might enjoy looking at illustrations depicting a couple (or trio, or more-o) of insane, homicidal self-mutating plastic-surgery disasters go at it are probably no more warped or less capable of being integrated into society than amputee fetishists, fecophiiles or the folks who keep the Real Doll company in business. But still, it boggles the mind. You have to wonder what kind of bizarre titillation this person was actually looking for in this motley crew. I mean, the only creatures who aren’t just completely hideous in appearance are….

Oh, no. No, no nononononono.

Now I want to not only wash my mind out with soap, I want to Lysol my DSL modem and give my Web server an enema. Only problem is, that’ll probably just bring more of the sick bastards to my virtual doorstep. 😯


Pretend That Never Happened? Love To, Thanks For Asking!

Uncle AndrewUncle Andrew
Filed under: @ 10:25 pm

Originally, this whole Refer Madness thing was supposed to be a lark. You know, me chortling out loud and in “print” about the escapades of my fellow Netizens as they stumble across Uncle Andrew dot Net looking for amusing and/or unusual Web pages. Nuthin’ but good clean fun. Well, good PG-13 fun, at any rate.

But every once in a while I consult my access logs to find something I really wish I hadn’t. All the creeps looking for incest porn, for instance. And then there’s this guy—gal—organism from the Fredericksburg, Arizona area, who hit my blog at around three o’clock this afternoon looking for….drumroll please….

“videos of celebrity guys going to the bathroom”

Out! You heard me, out! SHOO! 👿

I feel like I should Nolvasan® my Web server before letting anyone visit it again. That and start wearing a mental dam as part of established protocol for checking my referrers.

Way, waaayyyy off topic: it has been brought to my attention that a couple of people have experienced problems accessing Uncle Andrew dot Net from PCs running Windows XP and either Internet Explorer or FireFox. Apparently a couple of people have had their browser crash when attempting to visit my blog. I tend t think the problem is my embedded QuickTime movies. I made a couple of changes to the code by which they’re embedded. If any one has/continues to have a problem, could you post here to let me know? Mahalo Nui Loa for your kokua!


Another Brain Tickler

Uncle AndrewUncle Andrew
Filed under: @ 10:28 pm

Can anyone help me to understand how a Rocklin, California cable Internet customer got to this picture on our blog

Trench in the garage

From a Google Image Search for the phrase, “Bear tripping over a car“?

Bad, baaad search algorithm, no biscuit!

UPDATE: I got another hit for this same Google Image Search from a computer in Bremerton, Washington, at about 7 this morning. WTAlmightyF?

This happens, occasionally: some new topic or meme will bubble up out of the rich primordial soup of the collective Web-mind, and bizarre, seemingly inexplicable requests will start washing up on the shores of Uncle Andrew dot Net. More often than not the tide will quickly turn and the hits will stop coming, usually before I am able to figure out just what the hell made all these people come looking for whatever it was they were looking for in the first place.

Frankly, while curious, I’m too lazy to put in the requisite effort to uncover the original source. The truth is not only out there; it’s doubtless more than a little Out There. Best to just leave it alone.


Something Is Very Wrong Indeed….

Uncle AndrewUncle Andrew
Filed under: @ 9:07 pm

….with the algorithms used by the Google Image Search. This is the only possible conclusion at which to arrive. To what else can I possibly attribute the fact that, at 6:20 Pacific Time this evening, someone from Ottawa, Canada arrived at this photograph posted by Margaret almost three months ago:

Hole In The Shower Floor

from an image search for the phrase, “cairn terrier with scabs” ❗ ❓ ❗

Sorry about that, Sir or Madam; and the very best of luck to you in your future image search endeavors.


Good Week For Bad Referrers

Uncle AndrewUncle Andrew
Filed under: @ 10:05 am

Hot on the heels of masturbating dachshunds (yow, there’s an image I’d just as soon have scraped out of my brain; sorry about that), I pulled this one from my referrer log last night.

At 11:30 yesterday morning, someone from the Tukwila, Washington pool of Qwest DSL addresses hit my blog from a Google search for the following phrase:

haikus on truth in lending act

Strangely enough, my site came in #1, despite a complete lack of haiku on the topic of the truth In Lending Act. Sorry, Sir or Madam, if you feel you have reached my humble space on the Infobahn in error. Perhaps this tone poem I composed on the subject of the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission will help ease your pain….?

No, not really. 🙂

On the subject of the Truth In Lending Act though; I don’t know if these bozos advertise in other states (though I imagine that they do), but there is a mortgage broker making the rounds on the AM airwaves called TILA Mortgage (horrible Web site design! I wouldn’t buy an aquarium pump from someone with a site this crappy-looking, much less a 30-year financial commitment). They offer all of the usual stuff these types of outfit typically do—no closing fees, low interest rates, free under-the-table handjob at signing—but the truly bizarre thing about this company is their ad pitch.

At some point in every radio spot, the announcer says, “TILA, spelled ‘T-I-L-A’, stands for the Truth In Lending Act!”

Um, why yes, you’re right, it does! Not that the Truth in Lending Act has anything whatsoever to do with you or your company, outside of the fact that you’re supposed to follow it, which by attempting to falsely connect yourself to same in the eyes of the consumer you are probably not. But thanks anyway for pointing that out!

I’m fascinated: does this actually work on some people? If so, I’m tempted to bankroll the creation of a new mortgage broker service and call it Jesus Christ Mortgage Services. “Jesus, spelled ‘J-E-S-U-S’, stands for our Lord and Savior!” Then I’ll just sit back and let the mortgages roll in.


Still A Few Bugs In The System

Uncle AndrewUncle Andrew
Filed under: @ 9:39 am

Every once in a while, a really juicy hit to my referrer log sips by me the first time, and I only find it at the beginning of the following month, when my automated traffic analysis software parses the previous months’ W3SVC logs. Just dug this one out of my November’s detailed access report.

Okay, so no search engine is perfect. I think we’re all aware of that, we’ve all seen it in action. And God knows I’ve waxed poetic/polemic/pathetic about it before. But given the near-ubiquity of the venerable Google in this highly contested arena, it’s interesting that you can still stumble across search results that can give one pause. Or, at other times, give one a petit mal seizure.

An example? Why yes, certainly, thanks so much for asking!

How about the surfer from North Dakota who made it to my site in early November via a Google search of the phrase, “our dachsund masturbates with herself”?

Excuse me; my grammar was a bit off. I really should have composed that last sentence thusly:

How about the surfer from North Dakota who made it to my site in early November via a Google search of the phrase, “our dachsund masturbates with herself” ? ! ? ? ? ! ! ! ! ? ! ! ? ? ? ? ! ? ! ! ! ! ! ! ? ? ! ! ! ? ! ? ? ? ? ? ? ?

Yes, that’s better.

Of course, I just had to scout around and try to follow the search back to the source. Not the source of the query itself (though I did find it quite amusing that the IP address of my visitor came from a block of addys owned by—ahem—Dickey Rural Networks), but rather back to and through the pages (and pages, and pages) of results returned by said query. I was just dying to know where my site fit into the overall scheme of dachshund-self-gratification-related search results. (And oh my God, I can’t wait to see what kind of searches wash up on the shores of Uncle Andrew dot Net after this entry gets spidered a few dozen times. Maybe it’ll even knock “Erin Esurance Nude” out of the #1 spot in my referrer log.)

Funny thing was, after trawling about twenty pages of search results, I had yet to see any traces of my site listed among the retuns (and boy, would I like to expunge those fifteen or so minutes from my memory, lemmetellyou). I can’t imagine this person digging down further than two hundred results to try to find the answer to his or her—question? problem? proud proclamation?—so I gave up.

This leaves me with a bit of a conundrum, though. I can only think of two likely explanations for the sudden appearance and subsequent disappearance of a link to my blog from a Google search such as this.

The first explanation is that, in the intervening time between the date of the search and the date I discovered it, dozens or even hundreds of more relevant sites on the topic of dachshund masturbation rose to ascendancy in the informational firmament, and my site with its humble offerings was knocked many, many rungs down the ladder. I can only pray that this is the true reason for the sudden change in my ranking.

Because the only other way I can see this scenario playing out involves the searcher in question typing, “our dachsund masturbates with herself” into the Google search window….

and hitting “I’m Feeling Lucky“. 😯


Never Ceases To Amaze Me….

Uncle AndrewUncle Andrew
Filed under: @ 8:05 am

….how far search engine technology has yet to go.

How else might I explain how someone from North Carolina happened across my blog ’round 5:00 yesterday morning whilst searching for “frog droppings pictures“?

Errrr….sorry to have wasted your time there, buddy. Best of luck.  😕

The weirdest part? This is not the first time I have been the target of a request for pictures of frog droppings….from an IP address in an entirely different part of the world.

There are some trends of which I’d rather not involve myself in the setting; this may be one of them.


So Many Misinterpretations, So Little Time….

Uncle AndrewUncle Andrew
Filed under: @ 4:05 pm

Checking my referrers this morning, I happened across this little doozy from a Netizen in Barcelona, Spain, searching via Google UK:

procedure for cortisone injection in lumber region

I find it interesting that Google did not pick up on the misspelling of “lumbar”, as it so often does with other misentered search terms. As it was, there were plenty of poorly-proofed pages for this person to access. Mine only came up because of the purely coincidental juxtaposition of the actual term “lumber” in a previous post about my back and the phrase “cortisone injection” in a more recent post about my back. Backity back back.

(Hmm; that last part has just the right cadence for the “A Team” score. “Backity back baaaaack, back baack baaaaack, backity back baaaaack, ba-cky backy baaaaack….”)

*Ahem* Anyway, setting aside the probably non-native-English-speaking status of this person (a typically uncharitable move on my part), I found lots of humorous and/or ominous possibilities in this search string. Perhaps this person was trying to save a few bucks by looking for online tutorials on injecting cortisone into his own spine? I’m picturing some yahoo with an old 13-gauge horse syringe he found in the back of an uncle’s barn, freshly filled with an entire economy-sized tube of Anusol Cream (cortisone, hydrocortisone, whatever), looking at his back through a hand mirror and preparing to jam the thing into his third vertebral interstice. 😮

Or maybe the “lumber” part wasn’t a misspelling at all. Maybe this person was looking to shore up old, worn decking by tapping into the magical healing powers of the modern pharmacopeia.

Or, taking it a step further (perhaps a step too far), maybe the guy was having a little trouble in the “lumber region”, and was hoping that a cortisone injection would help him….um….get wood. 😛


Wow, Icky And Stupid!

Uncle AndrewUncle Andrew
Filed under: @ 9:04 pm

Hey, you! Yeah, you, the perv from Lima, Peru, who happened to leave tracks across my blog around eight-thirty this evening.

By this time you’ve already seen (or at least glanced at) my personal feelings regarding your desire for incest porn, since that’s exactly where your grotty little search landed you on my site. However little I may care for your taste in titillation, I feel the need to offer this particular bit of tid regarding your search technique:

If one is, in fact, trawling the Web via Google Image Search for “uncle fuck niece”, perhaps, for the sake of efficiency, one might elect to also show at least the minimum requisite forebrain and turn off the Safe Search function?

This has been a public service announcement. 🙄


I’m No Expert….

Uncle AndrewUncle Andrew
Filed under: @ 9:24 pm

….in the field of search engine optimization. I mean, I’m aware of the basics of how search engines like Google and Yahoo! determine where to rank pages in terms of their relevance to a particular query. Clever stuff, that; way beyond my own skill set.

So perhaps one of my contemporaries with more experience in this field could lend their expertise in answering the question as to just how the fuck my blog got to be the number-one-ranked site on Google for the phrase, “ventilated pith helmets with fan“? I’d really like to know.

Of course, by the time y’all are reading this, my page ranking will probably have dropped. I imagine I’ll have to settle for somewhere in the top five.


Another One For the Books

Uncle AndrewUncle Andrew
Filed under: @ 10:10 am

‘Round 8:00 on Friday evening, someone in a cluster of IPs belonging to the Nashville office of Columbia HCA made it to my blog via the following MSN Live search:

rent jet skis at strom thurmond

As is so often the case with Refer Madness posts, I was initially unable to even parse the language of–or the motivation behind–the request. Turns out the late Senator has a body of water in Georgia named after him, but at first my mind was reeling. Does Strom Thurmond’s estate rent Jet Skis? Is Strom Thurmond himself actually available for rental as a recreational watercraft?

Come to think of it, he was pretty lightweight even in life, doubtless more so now. Bend him into the proper shape, give him a couple of coats of marine lacquer and shove a high-powered impeller up his ass, he might just be seaworthy. One longs to try, anyway; makes me smile just thinking about it. 😀


The Cure May Be Worse Than The Disease

Uncle AndrewUncle Andrew
Filed under: @ 7:12 am

At about one o’ clock yesterday, someone from a bank of IP addys belonging to the City College of Chicago got to my blog by entering the following into a Google search:


Young Lady (I’m presuming here, but it seems a safe bet), might I urge you to reconsider this particular course of action? I know that the Feds have tightened up the bankruptcy laws, but this seems to be a bit of a–well, “scorched earth” approach to solving your problem. How about selling your plasma? Or dealing dope? Do you really need both corneas? Or you could always go the surrogate mother route.

Besides, I’m not sure that the convents let you start off your vow of poverty with an overdraft. 😛


Oh, For Shame….

Uncle AndrewUncle Andrew
Filed under: @ 6:21 pm

From my referrer logs this morning:

Around quarter of twelve, someone from the Washington, DC area got to my blog by searching Yahoo! for….

“Enema cam”

Uncle Andrew dot Net will be down for a couple of hours whilst I scrub out my server with Lysol. 😮


Gotta Love Them Search Engines

Uncle AndrewUncle Andrew
Filed under: @ 3:51 am

On the fourth of this month, someone from the Princeton, New Jersey area got to my blog by entering the following into a Google search:

“latex mask” AND “carpool lane”

Once again, I am flummoxed. What the hell was this person trying to find? A list of rules and regulations regarding the wearing of Halloween masks while driving in the HOV lane? A compilation of recent news stories about bands of carpooling convenience-store robbers? Something even more bizarre that I can’t manage to fabricate at quarter to four in the morning? This isn’t mere insomnia talking, folks: I have the IIS log entry to prove it.

*Sigh* Sometimes I think I’m happier getting hits from the porn-seekers: that modus operandi I can at least comprehend.



Uncle AndrewUncle Andrew
Filed under: @ 10:47 pm

At 4:30 this afternoon, someone from a pool of British Telecom IP addy’s in London got to the home page of my blog via the following search on MSN UK:

“Display sandwich in fright”

Yet another one of those phrases entered into a search engine that leaves me wondering which one of us doesn’t comprehend the basic structure of the English language. Is this some sort of defensive strategy I have not heard of? Is this a garlic sandwich, to be brandished against vampires? Or is this some sort of involuntary fear response, like voiding one’s bowel or bladder? Could this, in fact, be some sort of euphemism for one or both of these phenomena? “Man, don’t scare me like that; I nearly displayed my sandwich!”

I’m not at all sure what this person was really searching for, but my guess is (s)he didn’t find it here. Nor anywhere else in the immediate vicinity, judging from the other search results. Better luck next time, Mate.  😉


Now That’s Good Googling!

Uncle AndrewUncle Andrew
Filed under: @ 3:27 pm

At 12:39 in the afternoon Pacific Time today, someone from a block of IPs in the Hawaiian islands hit that infamous post on my blog by searching Google for:

“esurance nude OR naked OR porn OR porno OR fuck OR fucked OR fucking”

Dude, you are aware, are you not, that there is a lot of porn available online? Like, with real people in it, some of them quite attractive, engaging in a wide variety of sexual escapades to satiate just about any appetite?

And if you for some reason prefer your assignations completely devoid of human contact or content, why not type something like “Anime Porn” into your friendly neighborhood search engine, which yields you over 3 million hits compared to the paltry 130,000(!?!) hits for the search you chose instead?

How desperate–and yet how dauntingly particular–this poor schlub must be have been to enter such an exhaustive list of wildcards. I can’t imagine why he hasn’t found a girlfriend yet.  😛


Not Sure I Want To Know….

Uncle AndrewUncle Andrew
Filed under: @ 8:07 am

But I’m helpless to resist. Curiosity may have killed the cat, but satisfaction brought him back.

Can anyone with a decent background in Asian language and culture help me parse the meaning of the Yahoo! search that brought a visitor from Hong Kong to my site:

“uncle socks feets photos”

Is there any possible meaning behind the obvious, kind of icky one? Help me out here, folks.

Whatever this person’s motives for this particular search, it kind of freaks me out that my blog turns out to be the #1 return on this particular search. 😯


Oh….Oh My….Sorry About That

Uncle AndrewUncle Andrew
Filed under: @ 11:13 pm

I just checked out my referrer logs before hopping into bed, and I had to put this one up before turning in.

At 9:19pm Pacific Time, someone got to my recent post about the Furreal Friends Butterscotch Pony from a search on Yahoo!

The phrase they entered into the search engine?

“i am looking for instructions for butterscotch the furreal pony”

I’m picturing a homicidally frustrated last-minute Santa, sitting on the floor of his living room, feverishly scouring the Web in search of an assembly guide for the present lying in pieces around him.

Oh, Man, I am so sorry you wasted your time perusing my blog. Hope you found what you were looking for.

To the folks who stopped by this evening to eat pizza and play Alhambra, thanks for coming over; we had a blast. To everyone on this Christmas Eve, a wish for happiness, prosperity, and Peace on Earth.

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