Filed under: @ 3:08 pm

Most of you will be aware of the annual New Year’s Spam Ritual.
For those not in the know, once a year, at 12:42 a.m. on January 1st, the Spam God flies over the earth. If you have omitted the proper sacrifice (a tin of Spam with the number 42 carved into it with a butter knife flung up on to the roof) or if you are not in the properly pious position (crouching in the house with the lights off and your head hidden) the Spam God will descend and suck out your brains.
During the preparation of the sacrifice there are always readings from the Holy Book of Spam (a book of Spam facts published by Hormel — honest!), there is the solemn singing of the Spam song (and if you’re not familiar with the Spam song you are WAY reading the wrong blog), there is frequent speaking in tongues, and people often fall out.
There are often auxiliary sacrifices. The Spam God only demands the one official sacrifice, but for years now we have been ceremoniously sacrificing additional Spam in hopes of expiating the sins of mankind from the previous year. We have decapitated Spam with a range of weapons from a battle axe to a 4 foot machete. We have blown Spam into space, 2001 A Spam Odyssey was a great success, we have flung Spam at nuclear submarines (the trebuchet was less of a success), and we have tried to cremate Spam in a fiery Viking funeral. And our auxiliary sacrifices have worked. Despite the Jasonist Heresy, which says that one may actually eat Spam (a pathology that is sure to draw the wrath of the Spam God eventually), our efforts on behalf of mankind have kept the Spam God mollified enough to keep from sucking the brains out of most of humanity. Though I could argue that this theory would handily explain G.W. Bush.

You’ll notice that I said we tried to cremate Spam in a Viking funeral. As it turns out, Spam doesn’t burn very well. Regardless of the fact that I had marinated the Spam in Everclear for three weeks, even going so far as to baste the stuff with an 1 1/2″ needle injecting Everclear deep into the brick of Spam. Despite the magnesium shavings, the gasoline, and the road flares…. Spam just doesn’t burn very well at all.
But with the successful return of fire to the New Year’s Eve celebration, we are going to try incineration again.

So here is the challenge. If you intend on coming to our New Year’s celebration, produce some immolatable Spam (it’s not a requirement for coming to the party, mind, just an added benefit). Whosoever produceth the most flammable Spam, as decided by popular vote, wins some sort of booby prize (about the shape of which I currently have no idea, but I’m sure I’ll come up with something) Entries will be judged on ease of ignition, and completeness of burning.

A few rules so as to protect our highly flammable old shake roof.
Your contribution must be no more than one standard sized block of Spam. The Spam need not be IN its original container, but it should be the approximate size and shape of its original container (as in, you can’t spread it thin on a cookie tray and mix it with something combustible then present it for burning all thin and flat)

Explosives are RIGHT OUT. We have few neighbors and those that we do have are not close, but keep in mind that we are suburban, we are directly in between the local fire station and the Washington State Patrol headquarters, and I really have NO interest in seeing flaming blobs of Spam flying all over the yard, sticking to the siding, and setting my house on fire.

And as explosives are out, so are preparations that will cause sudden flare ups. You can’t line a Spam can with a thin layer of Spam, fill the mold with napalm, and then cover it over with a ‘lid’ of Spam so what you have looks like a block of Spam, but is really an oozing, gelatinous time bomb.
We are looking for plain, solid, Spam that will burn. Pickle it in Everclear, mix it with lamp oil, do what you need to make it (and not my house or my garden) burn.
Ladies and gentlemen….. good luck!

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