Better Living Through Chemistry

Uncle AndrewUncle Andrew
Filed under: @ 9:05 pm

Margaret and I had a fantastic idea for a product while wandering through the labyrinthine wasteland of our local Costco parking lot this weekend: The PoliteCartâ„¢ Combusta 5000.

Here’s how it works: the cart senses when it is bearing a larger load than its own tare weight. As you leave the Costco, transmitters in the fabric of the exit door send a signal to a radio frequency (RF) antenna embedded in the cart’s handle. At this point, the cart enters Stage One.

The cart’s onboard computer then monitors the weight of the load in the basket and on the secondary load rails under the basket. At the point where the total weight on these two surfaces come to within ten percent of their tare weight, the cart enters Stage Two and becomes armed.

At this point, the cart politely informs the shopper that they must return the empty cart to any designated return station for disarming. If at any point after this warning, but prior to disarming, the shopper fails to remain within three feet of the cart, powerful explosives married to the steel frame of the cart detonate, turning it into an expanding ball of subsonic shrapnel, killing or at least severely wounding the inconsiderate fucker.

Later this week I hope to expound on my other great Costco-oriented money maker, the Cart-Mounted Fat Ass Sample Mooching Cow Catcher.

3 Responses to “Better Living Through Chemistry”

  1. gavin Says:

    See, I just knew there was a little of that Republican militarist left in you. I’m so proud!

  2. Uncle Andrew Says:

    This just in: I hate you. 😛

  3. Dalek Says:

    Bwahahahahaha!!! Can I come observe your field-testing trials? From a safe distance, of course?

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