I May Yet Throw Up
Uncle Andrew
Captured on my camera phone whilst waiting at a stoplight Monday evening.
On a whim, I Googled “pgntmom” and whadayaknow, check out the very first link that came up. Given her stated location (Washington), I think there’s a pretty decent chance that these two are one and the same.
I. Hate. This person. I’ve never met her, and I hate her. Like, drag her from the car and pound her with my fists hate. Well, almost. Maybe “drag her from the car and write the phrase ‘PERSONALITY DEFICIT’ across her forehead with a Sharpie hate”.
“Oh, my husband and I are just so proud of little JonBenet—um, Kennedy! Sure, it’s hard work being the mother of a up-and-coming socially warped, pathologically body-conscious, bizarre child/adult angel/whore chimera—why, today alone we have a 9:00 class in applying makeup for that fresh-off-the-runway look, an 11:00 round table on the importance of straddling the fine line between child modeling and kiddie porn, and a 1:00 hands-on on vomiting quietly to oneself late at night so Mommy and Daddy can pretend they don’t know. Oh, and baton twirling at 3.
“But it’s all worth it when I see the rouge-enhanced glow on my darling daughter’s face and know that she’s fulfilling her lifelong dream to be popular with boys, to one day become Miss America, or even Miss World, so she can finally get past the shame of having been just a little on the chunky side in junior high when that BITCH SONJA ROTHBERG CALLED ME FAT!!!“
Folks who know me well understand that, despite my many rants on this blog, I am mostly a shades-of-gray kind of guy. Being a moral relativist at heart means acknowledging that the world and its parts—including people—are more complex and hard to pigeonhole than folks like Pat Robertson would have us believe. But even I have limits. There are some activities that are axiomatically proscribed under the guidelines of civilized social intercourse. You do not fly airliners full of civilians into buildings to indicate your displeasure with a particular political, social or religious entity; you do not fire guns into the chests of wild animals for the sole purpose of mounting their heads in your den; and you do not sexualize your child to help resolve your own failed aspirations to beauty-pageant glory and shattered dreams of fairy-tale happily-ever-afterness.
This is by no means a complete list, and you may feel free to reorder it based on your own priorities.
9 Responses to “I May Yet Throw Up”
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July 12th, 2006 at 2:02 pm
Oh my GOD what IS it?!
A child or a designed-by-committee, painted-with-an-airbrush, played with for two days then thrown on the heap with the other discards FRIGGIN BARBIE DOLL.
I’d be frightened if my child indicated any desire to look like that.
Or, worse, put up with me trying to make her look like that.
The poor girl will never have another real moment for the rest of her life.
July 12th, 2006 at 2:34 pm
Yeah, quick show of hands: which one of these looks like a real little girl?
July 12th, 2006 at 7:42 pm
Ahhhhh #2 looks like a spooky doll! Call cps!
July 13th, 2006 at 9:37 am
Oh my freakin’ gods. #2 is terrifying. What kind of sicko does that to their child? What kind of COMPLETELY NAIEVE STUPID FRICKIN’ MORON then posts pedophile-sicko bait photos of said child on the Internet for any whacko to find??? And then chooses a license plate that makes it really really easy to physically locate said child and parents?
Dumber than a sack of hammers and sicker than a village full of Ebola victims.
That being said, ‘Roo, consider the implications of posting the plate and the photo. Just because they’re that dumb, do you really want to aggravate their folly by posting all the (easily available) info in one place on your blog? Not that I think your regular readers are a threat, but you do post occasionally about the people finding your blog because they’re looking for beer enemas or some such crap.
I’m just sayin’.
July 13th, 2006 at 10:05 am
Hmm…interesting point. I don’t think there’s a lot to be concerned about here. I mean, this person posted a picture of her daughter herself, along with the screen name that matches her license plate. And any perv worth his salt (preferably rubbed into the open sores on his penis) would take one look at that license plate and know what kind of kid was likely to be riding in the booster seat. I suppose I could remove the city name where I spotted the car, even though that means nothing about her actual residence….oh sure, what the hell, no harm in pulling that.
I’m not going to worry about it at this juncture, but if I see a lot of search engine referrers to my blog with unsettling search terms, I’ll take some action. Come to think of it, just changing the names of the pictures to random garbage should cut down on some of that right there. To the Bat Cave—I mean, Web server!
July 13th, 2006 at 1:36 pm
Am I the only one waiting for PGNTMOM to find this entry by accident while googling her own kid’s publicity information?
Waiting with baited (bated?) breath for the flame war to start between her-n-us. That’s a can of whup ass that she REALLY doesn’t want to open
July 13th, 2006 at 1:51 pm
Dunno….them Pageant Moms got deep pockets. Suppose she sics a lawyer on us? 😮
July 13th, 2006 at 4:31 pm
Bravo or TLC did a “reality” TV series on the child pageant circuit, and it was S C A R Y.
The total denial that ALL the mothers were in was astounding. The editors would intercut scenes of the moms saying stuff like “Oh, we only do this because she really, really wants to! She begs and begs and begs until we just HAVE to do it!” with scenes of the same mom going all “Joan Crawford” on their toddler’s asses about muffing their dance steps or not holding their smile-n-pose on stage long enough and the kids crying and saying they don’t WANT to go…
And let me tell you, when Dr. Phil tells you that what you’re REALLY doing is putting your pweshus pwincess out like slug bait for the pedophiles, and they get all up in HIS grill about it, then you know you’re dealing with a force of nature.
July 14th, 2006 at 6:24 am
“Hi, I’m SimPal Cindy, what’s your name?”
Helpful tip: Referencing “Dr. Phil” won’t add credibility to your argument.
Besides, without pedophiles, they’d be an industry without an audience and who’s gonna make any money that way? (yes, of course that was sarcastic…. )