Worst Kid-To-Money-Ratio Halloween Ever

Uncle AndrewUncle Andrew
Filed under: @ 11:13 am


I have to admit, I was pretty disappointed. All in all, we got thirteen Trick-Or-Treaters this year—nice Halloweeny number, but still, what a cluster fuck. And seven of those came in a single group. Ah, well, more candy for me.


I went to great lengths this year, including purchasing a “real” studio-quality zombie, whom Shawn has christened Fernando. No, I have no idea why, but it makes for some amusing songs around the house. “There were zombies in the air that night, their eyes were bright, Fernandooooooo….” (Okay, so I’m the only one who sings that around the house. Turns out I am, in fact, related to my father. I even have a special ditty I sing while grinding my coffee.)

My personal favorite Jack-O’-Lantern

Had us some awesome pumpkins this year, too. But you can’t expect a bunch of surly teens to appreciate good vegetable art. Though a couple of the girls screamed really loudly when they saw Fernando. And what the hell was with the costumes this year? The guys didn’t dress up at all, unless you count the kid who wore a terrycloth headband (“I’m a tennis player!”) or the one who wore his normal Trenchcoat Mafia school gear and claimed he was actually black but he dressed as a white kid for Halloween. Cuh-lever, kid.

As for the girls, they were all, to a one, dressed as little children, all baby-doll pink and, in some cases, pacifiers. I felt embarrassed just looking at them. There’s something about even glancing at a fifteen-year-old girl with a pacifier in her mouth that coats you in a thin layer of psychic slime. I wanted to wash my mind out with soap.

[Here’s a random thought—and I mean really random—if you took two songs, “Carnival” by Natalie Merchant and “Lunch Box” by Marilyn Manson, and put them in a vacuum chamber together and they touched, would they turn to energy? I happen to have those two songs back-to-back in a mix on on my iPod, and the combination nearly gave me the bends on Interstate 5 this afternoon.]

Anyway, I hope you all had a happy and sugary Halloween. If you have any good pictures, send ’em my way and I’ll put them online.

This just in: my sister Libby sent this shot of her, my nieces, our mutual friend Heather and her kid. Teh cute!


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