1/28/2008

Food Fright, Part 21

Uncle AndrewUncle Andrew
Filed under: @ 8:43 pm

I was twigged to this particular Food Fright by my lovely wife, who spotted it at the QFC a few days previous:

Food Fright, Part 21

Yes, you read it right: Bacon Saltโ„ข. When your creme brulee simply doesn’t taste sufficiently bacony.

Now it must be said that, as an avowed carnivore, I have no quarrel with the concept of bacon in general, nor bacon-flavored seasoning in particular. If creators Justin and Dave manage to make a living off of this product, more nitrites to ’em. The mere existence of this product doth not a Food Fright make.

No, the only real stumbling block for me can be found on the display rack pictured above, around the end of the first line of text under the logo: “vegetarian“.

To begin with, while a cursory Web search was unable to confirm this, I can only assume that the chief flavoring agent is something incredibly, overwhelmingly artificial, something inherently non-bacony in origin. After all, if the creators could have made this product from ingredients that would allow them to include the phrase “all natural”, don’t you think they would have? (Amusing side note: Proving once again that the science of sponsored search-query-driven advertising is still in its infancy, check out the ad I got back when doing a search for “artificial flavor bacon”.)

Secondly, while this may be excessively vindictive, there is some part of me that wants very much to deny those who spurn meat the ersatz trappings of a carnivorous/omnivorous diet. It seems somehow unfair that vegetarians should be given the opportunity to sup at the banquet of flesh rent asunder without getting blood on their hands. After all, I’m not scrambling to add artificial quinoa essence to my hot dogs, so why should my herbivorous brethren—these dietary dilettantes—be free to avail themselves of my kind’s dead-animaly goodness? As my brother-in-law once said, “vegetarians eating fake meat is like monks having sex with blow-up love dolls”. (Ironically, he has since gone veg, and is known to bring soy bratwurst to our barbecues, which I do my best to rub up against a burger or two whilst grilling.)

But beyond these arguments is a simple, axiomatic principle: I’m sorry, but much like alcohol-free beer, meat-free bacon flavoring is a crime against Nature, a perversion of the basic underlying principles of the Universe. In fact, I’m fairly sure that it is one of the signs of the Apocalypse. For is it not foretold in the Book of Revelation:

And I beheld when he had opened the sixth seal, and, lo, there was a great earthquake; and the sun became black as sackcloth of hair, and the moon became as blood, and the bacon became as broccoli.

12 Responses to “Food Fright, Part 21”

  1. Dalek Says:

    Oh. My. ๐Ÿ˜ฏ

    Now I know there are indeed some basic spices that add a lot of richness of flavor (not *meat* flavor, but a rich hearty flavor) to vegetarian dishes. For example, if I’m making a vegetarian split-pea soup (because I want to, or because I can’t find a turkey kielbasa in the store, or whatever), I always add some smoked paprika to the recipe along with the usual suspects (garlic, onion, pepper, dried basil, and so on). Nothing scary about smoked paprika.

    This, on the other hand, is almost certainly a bunch of salt with a little celery salt and onion salt and garlic salt and that nasty “liquid smoke” thrown in. Oh, and some salt. Bleh!

    Me, I’ll stick with the herbs and spices I pick up from the spice trader and/or grow myself and/or are provided by people whose products I trust, thankyouverymuch. (Speaking of, one of these days I’m going to have to beg you for some more Apocalypse Powder and Chipotle Grail.) :mrgreen:

  2. Uncle Andrew Says:

    This, on the other hand, is almost certainly a bunch of salt with a little celery salt and onion salt and garlic salt and that nasty โ€œliquid smokeโ€ thrown in. Oh, and some salt. Bleh!

    See, if that’s actually what it is, then I would be more or less sanguine about it. But I suspect that the key flavoring is one of those horrid New Jersey “Toxic Corridor” chemical plant synthetic flavoring agents isolated from the original natural ingredient. Like putting a picoliter of methyl anthraniilate in your sugar water and calling it “grape”. โ—

    As for heartiness, I’m all for it. Heartily. On the other hand much like using Ajinomoto (pure MSG) to add a shotgun-blast of savor to otherwise bland and unsatisfying dishes, meat-izing non-meat things to make them more meatlike just does not seem….um….meet. ๐Ÿ˜›

  3. SheriHi Says:

    I found a tin of bacon flavored breath mints for Steve for Christmas this year. Disgusting doesn’t come close to describing the taste.

    I’ll have to bring some over. ๐Ÿ™‚

  4. Uncle Andrew Says:

    Iโ€™ll have to bring some over.

    Thanks for the warning: you’ll never get past the door. ๐Ÿ˜ฎ

  5. Val Says:

    If the vegetarian thing is the part that blows your mind, then you obviously missed the bit about how it is certified kosher !

    bacon salt

  6. Val Says:

    Oh, and after going to the website, I found these other gems:

    “While all our flavors are vegetarian, Hickory is the only flavor that is vegan.”

    “Coming soon: All Natural version!”

    I am actually strangely intrigued. I wonder how it is on popcorn…. ๐Ÿ˜ˆ

  7. YakBoy Says:

    Well, as long as you don’t get it in your bike shorts you should be okay.

    Wait… what?

  8. Uncle Andrew Says:

    “Bacon Salt in my Bike Shorts” would be a great name for a band. ๐Ÿ˜†

    Val: thanks for perusing the site a little further and finding the “all natural” bit. I’ll believe that when I see it.

    As for “Kosher”….I’m amazed that I didn’t notice that immediately, thank you. I think that just kicked this product up to Official Seasoning of the Apocalypse ๐Ÿ˜ฏ

  9. Dalek Says:

    Speaking of great band names, “Official Seasoning of the Apocalypse” is up there. :mrgreen:

  10. Uncle Andrew Says:

    “‘Bacon Salt in my Bike Shorts’, the newest hit single from controversial band Official Season of the Apocalypse, hit Number One on the Billboard 100 today.”

    Hmmm….has a nice ring to it….

  11. Caitlin Slattery Says:

    I swear, I will love you forever if you send my some of that.
    I really should have a truckload of Bacon Salt when I go to Aunt Sara’s.
    :3

  12. Uncle Andrew Says:

    There’s no saving you when you go over to the Big Island, kiddo; if they’re already putting balsamic vinegar in their shoyu, it’s too late. You’re a goner.

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