God Told Me That Men Don’t Wear Skirts

Uncle AndrewUncle Andrew
Filed under: @ 10:30 am

Sigh. Have you seen this yet? The Spruger Schools in Texas have decided to cancel one of their traditional Homecoming Week activities, in which the student body comes to school dressed like the opposite sex in order to explore the reversal of social roles based on gender. Probably also to have a good laugh. The change was initiated under pressure from the ironically-named Liberty Legal Institute in Plano Texas, on behalf of parent Delana Davies, a woman with serious concerns and a big, splintery broomstick up her ass.

Apparently, to the religious right in Texas, a high school jock in a sundress is more dangerous than crime in our streets, arsenic in our playground equipment, or US soldiers in the Middle East. Who would have dreamt that a little cross-dressing could be such a threat to the fundamental fabric of our society?

I love the fact that the TWIRP event (short for, “The Woman Is Requested To Pay”, isn’t that the coolest acronym ever?) has been attacked because it represents a gateway to homosexual behavior. Did I miss something? Does wearing a sweater that buttons up the left automatically give a male a taste for decoupage and skin care products? Will putting on a pair of pants cause testosterone to spontenously seep into the bloodstream of 9-year-old girls, turning them into drywallers and drill seargents?

And since girls are already wearing pants, what sort of pants are required to turn them? Jeans? No, no, they’re already wearing those. Khakis, too, as well as formal suit trousers. Hmmm…..I know, I know, those heavy tan work pants you always see older male janitors wearing! What are those called…..? Oh, my God, that’s right, they’re called Dickies! Oh, that’s got to be the one.

First of all: I’m no expert, but is there an axiom somewhere stating that someone who dresses like the opposite sex wants to have sexual relationships with the sex opposite of the sex like which the person in question is dressing? (Whoa…..head spinning…..) If so, why is it that, of the two people I know who have transitioned from one sex to another, both have entered into long-term relationships with people of the same (post-transition) sex, rather than the opposite (post-transition, or same pre-transition) sex?

Hang on, have to go take an aspirin…..

Okay, I’m back. Secondly, what exactly makes a particular outfit unreservedly masculine or feminine? I assume that the kids who participate in this activity don’t choose to swap underwear as well. To avoid another bout of vertigo, let’s just stick with the menfolk for now, since their clothing is more rigidly defined in our current society. Skirts are out, huh? So I guess the Liberty Legal Institute is dead set against the wearing of kilts as well? We all know what a bunch of poodle-walking schoolgirls the Scots were. Didn’t these people ever see the movie Highlander?

How about a lava lava? Ain’t nothing wussier than a Samoan, I always say. Caftan? Toga? Come to think of it, I don’t recall Jesus himself wearing a set of grease-stained denim coveralls in any of the depictions I’ve seen. He’s always shown wearing a sort of robey, skirty thing. He wasn’t married, either. And he spent all his time in the company of twelve other guys! Sort of the Galileean Village People.

Instead of wearing regular (albeit gender-reversed) clothes to school, the students are encouraged to participate in “Camo Day”, in which they come to school dressed in military-style clothing to express their support of the United States military. I find this particularly ironic because I myself was sent home from high school one day for wearing military-style clothing, back in the days when I was a hard-core survivalist. (Yes, it’s true. One of these days I will post the series of survivalist comic strips I authored at the time. They’re actually pretty funny.)

Personal irony aside, why is it preferable to try to put oneself in the position of a US soldier for a day over someone of the opposite sex? Why not have a day for each? For that matter, why not have days to identify with mothers, with fathers, with postal workers, secretaries, high-steel workers, sculptors, fry cooks and firemen?

While we’re at it, why not have a seance and ask the ghost of Matthew Shepherd whether he thinks teaching children to more closely identify with homosexuals might not be a good idea.

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