Um, Eew?

Uncle AndrewUncle Andrew
Filed under: @ 8:31 pm

I’m posting this entry from my suite at the beautiful Downtown Motel in Eugene Oregon, in my sixth glorious hour waiting for my GOD DAMN FUCKING SHIT ASS POOPY PANTS press check for our 2006 holiday brochure to commence. I picked this particular establishment in a misguided effort to save my company some money; never again. If I have to come down here again, I’m staying at the Waldorf Astoria. Yes, the one in Manhattan. They can fucking well fly me out to Eugene for the press check. Gawd, what a fleabag this place is. Want proof? Here ya go:


Yes Billy, that is indeed a coin-operated massage bed I’ll be sleeping on tonight. If I don’t kill myself falling asleep behind the wheel while driving the five hours home in the middle of the night, rather than sleep in this bed. Thank God I don’t have a UV flashlight on my keychain. Don’t laugh; I know people who do.

I didn’t know these things actually existed. I thought they were dreamt up by sitcom writers in the 70’s for use as props in episodes of Laverne & Shirley. Who knew they actually walked–well, shuddered–the Earth among us?

I’m being too hard on this place. It’s clean, it has free WiFi, and it costs 50 bucks a night. You get what you pay for. But next time, mark my words, I’m going for a two-star minimum.

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